


My Bones Are All That's Left Of Me

by seibelsays



Category: Invaders (Marvel), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-15 14:00:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18500452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seibelsays/pseuds/seibelsays
Summary: Steve has not been a good friend to Bucky. After Bucky's attempt to help someone else goes spectacularly wrong, Steve wants to try to change that.





	My Bones Are All That's Left Of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Bucky Barnes Bingo 2019. Prompt: Hurt/Comfort
> 
> This takes place immediately following the events of Winter Soldier #5. If you haven't read the series, I _highly_ recommend it, because it is amazing.

_I don’t want to pretend that I’m stronger for it all_  
_I don’t want to pretend that the sadness is gone_  
_'Cause I wanna know that I’m steady on my feet_  
_I don’t want to pretend so peace will be real to me_  
_“Oceandust” - Hands Like Houses_

* * *

“Would you just listen for one damn minute, Steve?” Tony raged. “You can’t do this - certainly not without the Avengers and _definitely_ not alone.”

Steve continued down the stairs, listening to Tony, but not acknowledging him.

“Namor is - well, he’s worse than ever. This is not going to end well. For anyone!”

“I know that, Tony.”

“You’re too close to this - let the Avengers handle it.”

“The Avengers will only start a war with him. Namor is my friend.”

“Was. Namor _was_ your friend, and that was a long time ago. As your friend _now_ , I can’t let you do this alone.”

Steve gave Tony an indulgent grin. “I won’t be alone.” He pressed a button on his phone and raised it to his ear. “Hey. It’s me. I need a favor.”

Tony snatched the phone out of his hand. “He’ll call you back.” He hung up the call and pointed at Steve. “Don’t call him back.”

“Tony-”

“Steve.” Tony’s voice held a warning and Steve stopped talking. “When was the last time you actually talked to Barnes?”

“About twenty seconds ago,” Steve replied flippantly.

Tony ignored him. “ _Really_ talked to him? Do you have any idea what’s going on with him right now?”

Steve shrugged. “He’s Bucky. He’s fine. We’ll catch up on the plane. On our way to see Namor.”

Tony shook his head. “I can’t let you do this. If you insist on confronting Namor, I _cannot_ let you drag Barnes into it.”

“Tony,” Steve chided.

“Just...talk to Barnes. Really talk to him. Before you do anything else. Please.”

***

“I know Tony and Namor have their issues, but I don’t understand why Tony was so adamant I not get Bucky involved,” Steve said as he gave the vegetables in the pan a stir. He raised an eyebrow at the jar Sharon handed him. “Jarred curry sauce?”

“You love the jarred curry sauce.”

Steve grinned and added a little sauce to the pan before giving everything a stir. “This is Invaders business. Bucky will want to be there.”

Sharon didn’t say anything as she pulled the naan from the toaster oven and transferred it to a plate. Once the plate was on the table, she turned back to Steve, her face pensive.

He handed her the bowl of rice. “What is it?”

Sharon hesitated. “Tony’s right, Steve,” she said, finally. “Don’t bring Bucky into this.”

Steve searched Sharon’s eyes. “What aren’t you telling me?”

She shook her head. “It’s not my place, Steve. Just...consider something, okay?” She waited until Steve nodded his agreement. “He’s been following you around, trying to be like you since he was a kid. Even now, even after everything...that hasn’t really changed. But you cast a very large shadow, Steve. So when things go badly. When it all goes wrong...what do you think happens?”

Steve felt a touch of shame wash over him. He’d never really thought about it like that before - what it would be like for Bucky.

Sharon gave him a tiny smile at the realization that must have been written all over his face. “You’ve never seen the fallout because he’s never wanted you to see it,” she reassured him. “I’m telling you now - you need to go looking for it. _Bucky_ needs you to look for it. Okay?”

***

Bucky stared down at the buzzing phone in his hand. Sharon was right - whoever was on the other end of these calls needed help. They called him because they needed help. Help maybe he could provide. Help maybe he was the only one _willing_ to provide.

He pressed the button.

“This is Bucky Barnes. How can I help you?”

_“You can tell me which of these houses is yours, Buck. Every house out here looks exactly the same.”_

“Steve?!” He pulled the phone away from his ear and stared down at it for a moment before bringing it back to his ear. “How did you get this number?”

Silence on the line.

“Steve? You still there?”

_“Am I...not supposed to have your number?”_

“You _have_ my number, I’m asking why you’re calling _this_ number. This is - you know what, nevermind. What’s wrong?”

_“What do you mean?”_

“You called. Tell me what’s wrong. What do you need?”

Steve sighed on the other end of the line. _“I brought you pizza, Buck. Let’s talk after we eat.”_

Bucky blinked a few times, trying to make sense of the call through his own fog of thoughts and confusion. After a moment, he blurted out the details of his address and how to find his house before telling Steve he’d see him in 20 minutes.

***

Bucky climbed off his motorcycle to find Steve waiting for him on his front porch.

“What’s wrong?” he asked immediately.

Steve gave him a strained smile. “I can’t just drop by with pizza?”

“Steve, you were in the _Arctic Circle_. It’s a bit of a commute to Indiana. Now what’s wrong?”

Steve’s reticence was unnerving. Was Hydra rising again? Was the world ending? Had the serum failed? Was Steve sick? Was he _dying_? Increasingly improbable scenarios swirled in Bucky’s mind the longer Steve maintained his silence.

Finally, Steve forced a smile. “Bucky, you’re one of my oldest and dearest friends. Can’t I just stop by with a pizza?”

No. No, actually he couldn’t, because Steve didn’t do things like that. Steve had far better things to do with his time. Bucky huffed up his steps and opened his front door. He set aside his worry and moved straight to annoyance. “Who sent you?”

“What?” Steve asked, scrambling to his feet and following him with the pizza box.

Bucky threw his keys on the table by the door, kicked off his shoes, and hung his jacket on the hook. “Was it Tony or Sharon? One of them sent you.”

“Bucky-”

“I’m _fine_ , Steve. I’m fine. Or I will be. So you can take your concern and direct it somewhere that actually needs it. I’m fine.” He grabbed the pizza box out of Steve’s hands. “But I’m keeping the pizza.”

Alpine darted between his legs and meowed loudly, the sound echoing in the entryway.

“Excuse me,” Bucky muttered. “I also apparently need to feed the cat. He’s never been fed before in his life, you know.”

He turned and walked to the kitchen, dropping the pizza box on the counter on his way to the pantry to get a fresh can of food for Alpine.

“You have a cat?” Steve asked quietly.

Bucky pulled the tab on the can and crouched down to dump the contents into Alpine’s food dish. He checked his water as well - Bucky had learned the hard way that if there was one spec of dust in the water, Alpine wouldn’t touch it. The dish looked clear, so Bucky left it alone.

“Yeah, Steve. I have a cat.”

Steve looked around the kitchen, his eyes catching at the entrance to the living room. “And you bought this place. Moved out here.”

Bucky wasn’t entirely sure where Steve was going with this. “Yes.”

“And you’re...helping people? People who get in over their heads? I think that’s what Sharon said.”

Bucky turned away from Steve and busied himself with pulling out plates for pizza. “Trying to anyway,” he muttered. Trying and failing. But trying. The trying was what counted. Right?

“What do you mean, ‘trying to?’ What happened?”

Bucky swallowed hard and stacked one half of the pizza on a plate before handing it to Steve. “Drink?” he asked, instead of answering Steve’s question.

“Water’s fine.”

Bucky poured them each a glass of ice water and they took their dinner over to the kitchen table.

“So,” Steve said, when they’d settled in, “want to tell me what happened?”

Bucky sighed. “I’m sure between Tony and Sharon, you’ve heard the highlights.”

“Actually, neither of them has told me much of anything. Which, naturally, has me concerned.”

“Well if they didn’t say anything, what the hell are you doing here? You called, Tony hung up, next thing I know, you’re sitting on my front porch.”

“Bucky-”

“ _I’m fine_ , Steve.”

“No,” Steve said slowly, “I don’t think you are. So why don’t you start at the beginning?”

“What do you want me to say, Steve?” Bucky snapped. “Clearly, telling you that I’m fine isn't working. What do I need to do so you don’t feel like I’m going to go on a rampage, huh? What is it that you need to hear so that you’ll go back to wherever you came from, feeling like you’ve done your part in checking in on your old pal Bucky?”

Steve’s eyes widened as Bucky yelled at him and he leaned away from the table a bit.

“Fuck,” Bucky muttered and pushed away from the table.

The silence in the kitchen was oppressive, the tension so thick Bucky could choke on it.

Honesty. That’s what the doc was always preaching. Honesty.

What was the honest truth here?

“I only wanted to help,” he muttered. “That’s all.” He leaned into the table and fidgeted with the napkin, shredding it into bits of confetti. “He’s just a kid. And I screwed up and made everything infinitely worse. And now...” His voice trailed off.

The chair creaked softly as Steve shifted in his seat. “Who is just a kid? Who were you trying to help?”

“RJ,” Bucky replied quietly, his voice breaking. “HYDRA took him, dressed him up in my old uniform. Sent him into the world to kill people. Sent him to kill me.” He drew a shaky breath. “I got him out. Tried to show him another way.”

“That’s great that you got him out, Buck-”

“His father showed up,” Bucky continued as though Steve hadn’t spoken. “Fresh out of prison and falling right back into the same habits that landed him there in the first place. And I...I…” Another shaky breath as a tear slipped down his cheek. Dammit, he hated feeling like this. Worse, he hated feeling like this in front of Steve.

“Nothing will ever make up for what I’ve done. I know that. But I thought that if I could help someone get their own second chance...maybe then the second, third, tenth chances I’ve gotten wouldn’t be such an injustice.”

Bucky’s breath hitched as a few more tears escaped. “You can’t possibly know what it’s like. What it feels like to _hate_ yourself so much. You can never know - Steve, I don’t _want_ you to know. And I just...I didn’t want RJ to ever know how that felt either.”

He scrubbed at his face with his hand. “Sharon says helping someone and saving them are two different things.”

“Sharon’s usually right,” Steve rasped quietly.

“It just...I keep screwing up. I fail over and over and over again when I try to do the right thing. Maybe…”

“Maybe what?” Steve prompted.

Bucky slumped back in his chair. “Maybe the only thing I’m good for is doing the dirty work. For dealing out pain and death. Maybe I’m not meant for anything else.”

He stared at his hands. “I was always good at it. You know that better than anyone. And for awhile...I was happy to do it. I did the dangerous work because I was always underestimated by our enemies. I fit in the air vents,” he shrugged, but Steve wasn't smiling at the wry reference. “I did the dirty work so you didn’t have to. I was _happy_ to do it, so you didn’t have to. But it all got so twisted. And it…”

Alpine jumped into his lap and burrowed into his legs, purring contentedly. Bucky stroked his fur and absently counted the rapid beats of the feline’s heart under his fingertips, rather than finish voicing his thoughts. He could hear the clock tick in the other room, just audible over Alpine’s purrs.

_Tick. Tick. Tick. Purrrrrrrrr._

_Tick. Tick. Tick. Purrrrrrrrr._

_Tick. Tick. Tick. Purrrrrrrrr._

“How did you get Alpine?” Steve asked.

Bucky’s brow furrowed at the change of subject. “He...he was abandoned.”

“You found him?”

“Yeah...I was out on the bike. There was a box by the road. I...the box was in traffic. So I stopped to move it out of the way, so it wouldn’t cause an accident. As I was moving it, I heard him. Opened the box, and there he was.”

Steve frowned a little, but his eyes were still soft. “Was he the only cat in the box?”

“No. But...he was the only one to make it.”

“So you brought him home?”

Bucky nodded. “Took him to the vet, got him cleaned up. Bought more cat food and cat toys and cat...everything than I ever thought I’d have.” He looked down at the cat in his lap, who was sleepily nuzzling his fingertips, and he felt a small smile pull at his lips.

“You did good, looking out for him. And he loves you for it.”

Bucky sighed. “It’s not the same, Steve.”

“No,” Steve agreed. “But maybe it can be a start.”

***

Steve stepped outside into the cool night air.

He dug his phone out of his pocket and dialed Tony’s number.

_“Steve? Where the hell are you? I’ve been trying to reach you all day. I was about to send out a search party.”_

“I’m in Shelbyville, Tony.”

There was silence on the line.

“You were right.”

_“I know. How is he today?”_

“Not good. But he’ll get through it.”

Tony’s voice was wary. _“And how will he start to do that?”_

“Same as anything else, Tony. One day at a time.” Steve stared out into the night, idly wishing that it were still early enough in the year for fireflies. He’d always liked fireflies. “Listen - I need a favor.”

_“What is it?”_

Steve sighed and closed his eyes. “Handle the Namor situation.”

There was a surprised silence on the other line, one long enough that Steve checked the phone to make sure he hadn’t dropped the call.

 _“What happened to Namor being your friend?”_ Tony asked, finally.

“He is my friend.”

_“Okay.”_

“So is Bucky.

_“Steve-”_

“I’m going to be here for awhile. If the world ends, you know where to find me.”

Tony was quiet for a long time and then he sighed. _“Okay Steve. I promise - we’ll handle the Namor thing as delicately as we can.”_

“Thanks Tony.”

_“Let me know if you guys need anything, okay? Barnes might live in the middle of nowhere, but I can fly for a reason.”_

“Will do. Talk to you soon.” Steve hung up the call.

“You’re handing off a situation because of me?”

Steve turned around to see Bucky standing in the doorway. He shrugged. “It’s nothing Tony and the others can’t handle.”

“It’s Namor?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah. But Tony has everything under control. I’m exactly where I need to be.”

Bucky shook his head and stepped onto the porch, gently closing the door behind him, much to Alpine’s dismay. The cat’s indignant meows could be heard on the other side of the door.

“You don’t need to do this, Steve,” Bucky muttered, sitting on the front step heavily.

Steve settled in next to him. “You’re my friend, Buck. I’m here as long as you need me.”

“It's never going to get better, is it?” Bucky asked so quietly, Steve almost didn't hear him at all. Steve looked over at his friend and watched the tears pour from his eyes as he didn't bother to try to contain them.

Steve put his arm around Bucky’s shoulders and tugged him closer with a sigh. “All we can do is try our best. And if tomorrow the best you can do is get out of bed, that’s okay. Maybe the next day will be different. Maybe it won’t. All we can do is try.” He felt Bucky hiccup slightly, his shoulders jolting a little under Steve’s arm. “All _anyone_ can do is try.”

They stared into the night, long past when Alpine lost interest in howling at the closed door, silently watching the moon move across the sky.

As the sun began to rise, Bucky shifted a little and broke the silence that had settled around them like a blanket. “Thank you for coming, Steve.”

Steve nodded. “You’re my friend, Buck. And I’m here for you. Whatever you need.”

“I’ll try to deserve it.”

Steve bit back a sigh. “How about some breakfast? Coffee sounds glorious right about now.”

“Diner in town makes a waffle that will change your life.”

“That good, huh?” he said, climbing to his feet and stretching his back, working out the kink that developed from sitting on the porch step all night.

“Why do you think I moved here?”

“Nostalgia?”

“Nope. Waffles.”

“It’s settled then. Life changing waffles sound like a good way to start the day. Then maybe you can show me around a bit. Tell me a little more about your life here, what you’ve been doing.”

Bucky’s brow furrowed. “You really want to know?”

“I do.”

“Alright then,” Bucky said. “Coffee, then waffles, then the grand tour.” He didn't move to get up off the step. After a few moments of silence, he scrubbed his face with his hands. “How do I do this, Steve?”

“One day at a time, Buck. We’ll just take it one day at a time.”


End file.
